my words, my photos, my life

hello, my name is jenn, and i’m an idiot

I’m still alive, but I’m barely breathing.
Just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in.

I don’t sleep anymore.
I feel like I made all the wrong choices.
But I have always felt like that.
No matter what I do, I feel like it’s all wrong.
I don’t know how to do this.
I was so sure. SO SURE.
But I can’t do this.
And I can’t go back.
And I don’t see a third choice.
I’m either insanely happy, or in complete despair.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Not metaphorically this time, but the real deal.

2014: 12/21
CATEGORY: sometimes it sucks
3 comments

i don’t even know

I just feel like writing right now. I’ve been writing in a paper journal these days, but I seem to have misplaced it at the moment.

Living in Florida is so strange. It’s the same country, sure, but it may as well be another planet.

I love it here.

I hate it here.

Honestly, every single day I swing all the way from one to the other and then back again. Several times.

I want everything. And I can’t have it. I had to choose.

Trading one kind of happiness for another, one sadness for another.

I’m building a life here.

I made a friend. I don’t know why it is that the only new friends I make are men. I haven’t made a female friend in about 15 years (unless online counts). But the guy lives in my neighborhood and he’s from Boston. We talk about football, but it’s just nice to know someone. No… I am not interested and neither is he, haha. We don’t hang out or anything, we just say hello when we run into each other.

I miss my friends in Maine, though. I miss having game nights. I miss laughing with people who have known me since I was 6. My best friend has been my best friend for 26 years.

Monkey turns 11 this month. It’s fucking October, I can’t believe that. Crazy.

Boo will be 8 next month. How is that even possible?

I’m the most terrible mother in the world. I know that’s not a true statement, but right now it feels true. And what else matters, really? That is MY reality.

The kids are happy and fine. Everyone is happy and fine, except me.

If I was even half as far from Maine, I would be happy. North Carolina? Yes, please. I could have fall and be within a reasonable distance of “home.”

I am desperately trying to stop calling Maine home. It’s not my home anymore.

I don’t know where I belong.

I don’t know who I am right now.

I don’t know anything at all.

It’s this quote:

I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

That’s it.

2014: 10/01
CATEGORY: boo
monkey
random stuff
sometimes it doesn't suck
sometimes it sucks
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such a girl these days

I miss Fisher.

I don’t just miss him, I MISS HIM.

So much that it makes my insides hurt.

When I finally got on a flight home, I felt relieved to be out of the airport, but I wasn’t at all relieved to be going home.

When I walked through my front door, all I could think was, “This will never be home again.”

I’m ready to move.

I’m ready to get out of here.

I hate that we have so many things that need to be done before that can happen.

We text all day long (when we aren’t busy working or whatever) but it’s not the same.

We talk on the phone, and it’s just not enough.

I love the photos he sends, and I love the words he writes, and I love the sound of his voice.

But none of those things even come close to how it feels to be in his arms or seeing and hearing him laugh in person.

I want to be able to kiss him, make faces at him, smell him… whenever I want.

I want to share a sky again.

I thought spending time with him would alleviate some of the pressure I felt from not being able to be with him. And it did, when I was actually there. But now it’s magnified. Now that I know what it’s like, how compatible we are, how good and how ME he makes me feel, I can’t stand it. I just ache all of the time. To just be able to reach out and hold his hand. That’s what I want. Every day.

2014: 05/03
CATEGORY: fisher
photographs
sometimes it doesn't suck
sometimes it sucks
3 comments

my florida boy

I am currently stuck at the airport in New York. Probably for 31 more hours (been here for 7 hours already). I could be pissed (I was supposed to be HOME 3 hours ago) but I just don’t have it in me. I am coming home from Florida and I’m too damned happy after such a great weekend that I don’t have it in me to be upset about much of anything.
^^^Me. Stuck in airport. (Thank goodness I brought 2 real books, my kindle (with 5 new books), my iPod and my cell phone.)

Some things:

01. When I first saw Fisher at the airport, I was a total girl about it. I squealed (oh yeah, that’s right, I’m admitting it), I ran, I threw down my bags, I jumped, he picked me up and we just hugged like that for a couple of minutes.

02. There was ZERO awkwardness the entire time I was there. It was fun like a new relationship, but comfortable like we’d known each other our whole lives.

03. We did tourist-y things: Ford & Edison homes/museums, the zoo, the beach.

04. And we did regular things: went to the movies, got groceries, sat around and ate skittles while we watched a movie in PJs.

05. I have never been more comfortable around another person in my life. I was completely 100% my weirdo self. And he still loves me. It’s kind of awesome.

06. He’s very touchy feely. Always holding my hand, hugging me, playing with my hair, etc. Which I normally find frustrating and annoying..but not with him.

07. We have about 45 gazillion inside jokes that make us laugh and make everyone else go “WTF?!” I love it.

08. Florida is HOT but because everyone (and every store & restaurant) has central air, I was actually colder there more often than I am in Maine. I didn’t mind the heat half as much as I expected to.

09. He opened every door for me every time. He wouldn’t let me pay for anything. He was polite to every service person we encountered regardless of how they acted. He’s a gentleman. Did anyone know those still existed?!

10. He has this Nirvana t-shirt that I love. Every time he was wearing it in a photo I’d say “aww my favorite shirt!” It’s also his favorite shirt. He wore it while I was down there. Then he GAVE it to me. It smells like him. :)
^^^Me and the shirt snuggling at the airport. Lol

11. When I had to say goodbye to him, I cried. Hard. Sobbed. Right into his chest. And he just held me tight, rubbed my back, and said he was going to do everything he could to get me back in his arms as soon as he can. Later on he told me he got teary and almost cried when he got home. (Say it with me, people: aww!)

12. I’m moving. To Florida. As soon as humanly possible. I’ve never been so sure of anyone or anything in my life. I’m done doing the logical thing. I’m following my instincts instead of my head for once. My instincts tell me he’s THE ONE in a way I never felt about anyone else.

^^^Fisher and me. :)

I’m in love, y’all.

2014: 04/30
CATEGORY: fisher
fun times
i love lists
photographs
sometimes it doesn't suck
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Protected: I fucking hate him

2014: 04/24
CATEGORY: divorce
mr clever
sometimes it sucks
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just don’t want to forget

Fisher went to the beach today with a friend and he’s been sending me photos. Then he sent me a video of the sunset. He’s so sweet to me; I’m not at all used to it. In 20 days we’ll be watching the sunset together. I can’t wait.

2014: 04/05
CATEGORY: fisher
sometimes it doesn't suck
4 comments

trouble of the good variety

2:51am

You wait for a moment.
When it comes,
Your breath catches
And your heart stops.
Just for that moment.
Then it’s racing,
And your mind
Can’t keep pace.
But your soul knows,
And your happiness
Is infinite.

2014: 03/25
CATEGORY: fisher
sometimes it doesn't suck
1 comment

Protected: 2:51am

2014: 03/25
CATEGORY: fisher
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my third eye

Okay so….

I finally got my first tattoo.
(bad photo, I know.. but I did the best I could considering circumstances, haha)

I say first because I already have two more in mind that I want. Just need the sketches, the funds, and the time. I’m officially addicted.

This one is one that I have wanted for years, but that guy I used to be married to 1) hated tattoos and 2) wouldn’t give me the money for it anyway.

2014-03-19 14.15.04

So, the tattoo is just the sketch that the album art for TOOL’s Lateralus album was based on.

Everyone who knows me at all probably knows that TOOL is my favorite band, and has been, ever since I heard them the first time (way back when I was really too young to be listening to their music, haha). So that’s the first meaning (without tattooing the actual band name, because hey – there’s a chance I might hate them when I’m 60!).

2014-03-19 14.30.56

The ‘third eye’ is a recurrent theme in TOOL’s albums and music. Basically it’s a symbol of enlightenment, of a path to a higher level of consciousness and self-awareness. Which, let’s face it – that’s what the whole year has been about for me. Finding my way, figuring out who I am, trusting my instincts on a deeper level and letting go of the things that have been holding me back.

It’s a really simple design, and it wouldn’t be for everyone, I know, but I love love LOVE it. I think Luke did a fantastic job, and when I left I told him that he’d be seeing me again VERY SOON.

2014-03-21 00.25.28

(^it’s still not healed, the lines will look a little cleaner in a few days)

The only (possibly) negative aspect of getting tattoos is that I very much enjoyed the kind of pain it causes. It seriously felt like a very good therapy session. And at first I didn’t make a connection to anything else, I just sat there and thought “Aaah, tattoos are definitely for me.”

Then later on, I felt the pull of the torn skin when I was reaching for something in front of the kids. I instinctively pulled my sleeve down over it so they couldn’t see it. And it wasn’t until that moment that I realized why it felt so comfortable and familiar to be getting a tattoo (especially on my arm).

Cutting. It feels just like cutting. Only it’s socially acceptable (for the most part) and doesn’t come with any shame. Yet, because of my past, every time I feel the tattoo (when the skin is pulling or I brush it against something and it hurts a little), I start to want to hide it automatically.

It doesn’t make me want to start cutting again, but it definitely gave me some kind of relief akin to cutting. Maybe just another acceptable outlet for me. I definitely think I need to discuss this in therapy next week though!

2014: 03/21
CATEGORY: cutting
fun times
photographs
sometimes it doesn't suck
1 comment

monkey in the middle

My poor Monkey boy.

After that whole mess I felt like a shit mom. After my last post, I cried myself to sleep.

Then I talked to Mr. NSC (Not So Clever)

Then Mr. NSC called to talk to Monkey and straighten it out a bit.

So first thing in the morning, it was just Monkey and I awake and we had a good talk about everything.

Mr. NSC had taken ALL the blame on himself. I was shocked when Monkey told me that.

I told Monkey that his Daddy was trying to be honest, but that things are a lot more complicated than it just being one person’s fault.

I explained that we both still love him but we weren’t happy being married.

Monkey said that it was is nice not hearing us fight anymore.

He said that he wants to live with both of us but he just can’t decide. (insert huge Mama sad face here)

I told him that the decision isn’t his to make yet, but that if he ever decides he truly wants to live with his Dad, I will not stop him. That seemed to make him feel a bit better.

After that we talked about lots of little things and he seemed happier yesterday and today.

I hope Mr. NSC and I are doing right by these kids. I only know that we are doing the best we can. I just hope it’s good enough.

2014: 03/21
CATEGORY: divorce
monkey
mr clever
4 comments